One-Liner Writing Exercise
So, for a Slam Poetry class I had to write 40 1-liner jokes based on proverbs, aphorisms, etc. They aren’t particularly funny, but I thought I’d post them anyway.
1. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
–Keep your friends behind your enemies, so that they may promptly stab them.
2. Even monkeys fall from trees. (use as setup)
–And it’s always funny.
3. Mahatma Ghandi said, “Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important you do it. (use as setup)
–This is not an excuse to pick your nose in public.
4. Eggs should not fight stones.
–Eggs and pastry chefs should not discuss trade secrets.
5. Willie the penguin says, “Throat hot? Smoke Kools.” (use as setup)
–Penguins can’t even smoke cigarettes.
6. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
–Early to bed and early to rise takes away a man’s friends and night-life, and leaves him sexually deprived.
7. Wait until it is night before saying it has been a fine day.
–Say it is a fine day every moment until it is no longer true. It’s nice to remember the good times.
8. Temptation resisted is the true measure of character. (use as setup)
–Temptation taken is what makes us unique!
9. Talk is cheap. (use as setup)
–Unless it’s in print.
10. Talk is cheap. (use as setup)
–“Shut-up” can get expensive.
11. The best of battles are won on our knees. (use as setup)
–Actresses have been using this one for years to jumpstart their film careers.
12. It’s good to get back on your feet. (use as setup)
–It’s better to have a car.
13. It has been said that television ruins more minds than drugs. (use as setup)
–I would like to run an experiment where we nationally distribute drugs to every home that has a TV.
14. Walt Disney said he never loved a woman as much as he loved Mickey Mouse. (use as setup)
–I guess you could say Steamboat Willie really knew how to take the helm.
15. Authors spin the truth. (use as setup)
–The trick is to keep the reader from getting nauseous.
16. Finger Lickin’ Good. (use as setup)
–Is KFC trying to prove that they have the greasiest chicken?
17. Wendy’s new hot juicy stack attack, just 99 cents. (use as setup)
–I attribute cost to quality. Fast food remains suspicious to me.
18. Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. (use as setup)
–I go more for a speedy, nonchalant walk.
19. Just be yourself. (use as setup)
–Not the best advice when a car stalls ahead of you at an intersection.
20. An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult. (use as setup)
–Slamming the door and cutting off my finger. No big deal.
21. I do not waste my time in answering abuse; I thrive under it like a field that benefits from manure.
–Has it ever seemed strange to anyone that in Lifetime movies, the woman’s character develops after she has suffered spousal abuse?
22. When men have a dispute, they are to take it to court and the judges will decide the case, acquitting the innocent and condemning the guilty. If the guilty man deserves to be beaten, the judge shall make him lie down and have him flogged in his presence with the number of lashes his crime deserves. (Deuteronomy 25: 1-2) (use as setup)
–The day a BDSM parlor opens in Saudi Arabia will be the day the lash is abolished as punishment.
23. Daphne runs away from Apollo, and then she turns into a tree. From a psychoanalytic perspective, when evasion fails as a defense, transformation finally “succeeds” as a defense. (use as setup)
–From a Freudian perspective, either way you get wood.
24. There’s a Chinese proverb that states a book holds a house of gold. (use as setup)
–I drop by the library now and then, and I can only imagine the place has already been looted.
25. Butcher the donkey after it finishes its job on the mill. (use as setup)
–I think this proverb is about social security, but I can’t be sure.
26. Have a mouth as sharp as a dagger but a heart as soft as tofu. (use as setup)
–But state clearly your heart is still an organ, or some vegetarian might develop a taste for blood.
27. Without rice, the cleverest housewife cannot cook.
–Without Kraft, I can’t make anything.
28. Steal a bell with one’s ears covered. (use as setup)
–Isn’t that like covering your eyes and saying, “You can’t see me!”
29. A fall into a ditch makes you wiser. (use as setup)
–Does blacking out count as falling?
30. Add legs to the snake after you finished drawing it. (use as setup)
–Maybe give it some eyebrows too. Snakes have a right to facial expression.
31. God is good. (use as setup)
–That doesn’t mean you should dance in the boat in thanks when you catch a fish.
32. A king’s son is not nobler than his food. (use as setup)
–And that’s why we have chicken ala king.
33. A man may be his own ruin. (use as setup)
–Maybe. Maybe not. Feel free to pass the blame.
34. An old broom knows the dirty corners best. (use as setup)
–Because the dirt has been paying the broom off.
35. Proverbs cannot be contradicted. (use as setup)
–Yes, yes they can.
36. The early bird catches the worm.
–He who sleeps in, can always have the bird instead.
37. The well-filled belly has little understanding of the empty.
–It is never a good idea to go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
38. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. (use as setup)
–Until he retires.
39. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. (use as setup)
–First, make sure the goslings are out of the house.
40. Time is a good storyteller.
–Time is digressive, boring, and above all, literary.
